Hopefully I can get support or help here because I feel totally lost, overwhelmed, depressed and frustrated.
I am almost around ten years into software development (35 years old). Therefore, I would assume that I am some kind of senior software developer. But to be honest: I definitely do not feel like one. I have worked around six years with C# .NET and since three years I am into Java development.
I put much pressure on myself because I would like to get better or to be at least a better developer. Likewise, I see roadmaps like the following: Java Developer Roadmap
and just thinking: Damn it. How to learn all this stuff? Where should I start? I lack so much of these things. I am totally lost as a developer and should think about quitting. That makes me realize that I am just shit and think I am good at nothing.
It just feels like I am a complete loser. This frustration then leads to inhibitions, bad mood and “fear of the future” in relation to my job. Yes, some days it actually makes me so depressed that I want to cry because I realize that I have so many gaps in my knowledge that I think it is simply impossible to ever be a good or great developer and be “job safe”.
It often happens that I perform a code review for some of my colleagues / co-workers and when seeing their implementation or solution my whole body begins to shiver, I begin to be total nervous, my circulatory breaks down I am paralyzed because I see it written down that I am just a damn bad, wrong and worse developer because I would never be able to build such a solution. My thinking rotates from day to day “You are not good enough. Everybody is better than you. I am lost. Stay at your company or you will end on the street”. It seems like everyone around me is just better than me. In every aspect and in every case. Everyone around me is a better developer than me.
- They are able to build generic solutions I would never be able to build.
- They are finding solutions I would never be able to find and I am not able to find. * Likewise, they are building recursive functions I would never be able to build.
*… and so on.
It’s definitely not because they are older as we are in the same age.
To be honest, that is not healthy. Really. I struggle every day with this thinking. I think I have to sit the whole day after work in front of my computer and learn learn learn. Day by day. Otherwise, there will be no chance to get better. I hate my self that I have not learned every day in the past to get better. Now I struggle from day to day with this feeling.
Sometimes I think or believe that I am a lack of something which is necessary to be (good) developer and that my career choice was a bad one. Even if love the job in general. Don’t know if its because I just got an apprenticeship and missing a cs degree.
To be honest, I really love my job.
I love to code and to find solutions to several problems. Further, I love to find bugs and analyze why things happen like they happen. But on the other hand, the job puts a damn pressure on me which leads to the fact that I always feel and think that I am not enough for the job. Living day after day with this pressure is not really cool and just brings me down from day to day, which makes me feel overwhelmed and depressed.
Hopefully some of you can understand my problem and maybe give some advice or some help to get over this.